Welcome at Flow of Miracles

Dear People,

Recently I discussed with a client that it's important to surround yourself with the right people. While she understood the importance of that, she wondered how she could determine who is a good fit and who isn't. I thought that was an excellent question and decided to write an article about it.

Usual Progression in friendships through life
What I usually see is that most young children tend to have friends who are available like classmates or neighboring kids. They want to spend some time and don't have the opportunity to meet a lot of different people. When they grow up - start to have hobbies, go to different schools - again availability is important, but so is having the same interests. A wider group of people becomes available and so we form bonds with people who interest us. Then life diverges as some get married or start working, have kids, get a divorce and just live their lives. We start becoming closer to some people, find and meet new people, and drift apart from others.

We end up with a mixed group of friends whom we know from different stages in our lives. Not everybody in your life is meant to stay in it forever. The common thread of the people that stay in our lives is usually that we can rely on them, that they feel the same as we do on core principles that matter to us and that we can resolve conflict with them. They bring positivity in our lives and we bring positivity to them.

What if I am not left with a group of friends that brings positivity?
Sometimes people try to keep friendships going long past their time. They keep trying to keep from drifting apart or keep things together even through nasty conflicts. Usually these bonds feel uneven (I invest more time/energy/effort) and painful (I'm regularly hurt by their actions). If that sounds like a bond you have in your life, ask yourself why and start actively letting go.

Some questions to answer for yourself:

• Is it because the only way for you to end a friendship is with a major bang? 
• A big fight that means you don't want to speak to somebody ever again? 
• Is it because you try to hang on to somebody, trying to be somebody you are not? 
• Are you faking it? 
• Do you think you have to keep on forgiving for the sake of a long friendship? 
• Do you have expectations that are too much for the other person?

Remember, a successful friendship is not one that has lasted x years, a successful friendship is one in which you can grow, feel energized and happy, supported and loved. Yes you will have disagreements, but they are solved and make your friendship stronger and deeper.

I wrote an earlier article on how to balance relationships and relationship expectations here. You can use it to help bring your relationships back to positivity or to see when it's really time to let somebody go.

What if I am not left with a group of friends?
Sometimes due to life circumstances like moving or illness we don't manage to keep our friendships alive. People drop off because your life has turned too difficult or you can't invest your time and energy. Now you have a huge gap where your social circle used to be. Don't worry - a lot of people have or have had this problem.

Firstly, don't try to immediately fit somebody into your life full time. While you have a gap and time to meet up many times, treat this new person as if you have a full friend circle. Meet up with them a few times with a reasonable time frame between those times to see what they are like.

Secondly, treat them like a new friend - don't immediately start asking for a lot of support or understanding. That can be very off putting while somebody is trying to get to know you. Let the friendship grow organically. Recognize that not all your needs will be met with just one person or within a short time frame.

Thirdly, keep on adding to your acquaintance circle by going out and doing interesting things and meeting new people. Start new hobbies, open yourself up to new experiences, go to meet up groups and just enjoy life. Gradually people will fall away and other people will bond deeper with you. I recommend this to people who have a full friend circle too - as new friendships are beautiful and old friendships sometimes end.

What if I feel I'm missing a certain type of friend?
We all have this ideal life in which we have the type of friend who has the same interest as us. Suppose you are passionate about cooking or spiritual practice or about any other interest, and it so happens that none of your friends are. That can make you feel lonely and isolated, as you can't share something you think is a major part of your life.

So, it's time to make room for a friend that shares your interests. The first question to ask is: is there room in your life? As long as your time, energy and effort goes into deadbeat friendships, probably not. So first, make room, even if it makes you feel even lonelier.

Secondly, if you have good friends, don't be shy about asking them to join you in your interest now and again. Sure, they might not be so passionate about cooking, but asking them to come sample some of your dishes or to took together one time is sure to go over well. Ask them to join you in your hobby or go to a lecture on something you are interested in and they might be. Just as sometimes you join them into an activity that doesn't truly appeal to you - your friends are bound to do the same.

Thirdly, no friend will come around to fit the exact hole you feel in your life. People are people, and nobody will fit your ideal. If you want to meet up people with the same interest, it's time to look for them. Don't look for a friend, look for interesting acquaintances and see who you bond deeper with. Go alone to those interesting lectures or group activities and just chat.

Why do I bond deeper with some people and not with others?
A lot of people will tell me that they like having friends who are radically different then they are - as it promotes growth. A different view point keeps things interesting. I agree, but what I see in bonding is that we have a type of underlying principles that are the same. That doesn't mean that the interests however are the same or that the people are the same.

A good rule of thumb is: if you can compromise or don't feel deeply hurt then it's not a principle for you and it's fine when your friend or partner feels and acts differently. If it is a principle for you, be sure to communicate clearly on how important it is to you and what it means to you and then see if the other person is willing and able to compromise. If not, please let each other go and don't wound each other.

Some examples:
You can be friends with somebody who has a radically different political beliefs. But only if neither of you view those beliefs as an integral part of yourself and both of you can agree on being tolerant about it. Politics are the interest, the principle is tolerance and neither feel the principle is politics. If this isn't true, pretty soon, you will find yourself in pointless discussions that hurt leading to an unsatisfying friendship.

You can be friends with somebody who prefers a different way of timing. One of you is always on time and the other is always late. This only works is both of you view being late not as a disrespectful thing but as a 'can happen sometimes' thing. Again, timing is not a principle for either of you, but flexibility is. If this isn't true, one person is going to feel disrespected and the other is going to feel pressured and unaccepted.

You are somebody who loves to plan outings, but your friend isn't. This is fine as long as the person who plans doesn't feel that it's a principle of love, care and attention, but just a fun activity. If it is, the friend needs to step up (and do their share) or step out.

Want to discuss friendships and relationships with me? Talk to me in the practice, leave a message on the blog or on the Facebook Fan Page.