Many people believe that the hardest part of my work is that I deal with heavy emotional issues with clients. Since they feel how difficult their sessions can be, they often wonder how I deal with it on a daily basis. While I do answer heavy questions or have to help heal difficult physical, emotional or mental issues, I have a very good self care routine so this certainly isn't the hardest part for me. So let me tell you about what I encounter and what my self care routine is.
Client issues
I have known a lot of Tarot Readers and Psychics who get clients who are just curious or who are looking for some advice on smaller issues. While I do get smaller questions sometimes and I definitely do not mind helping people who are just curious about their future, I tend to attract people who need more help. I believe this is because I consider my healing gift the important one and the Psychic gift secondary. I believe I attract people who really need me and whose life I touch in often very profound ways.
Examples of real issues in my practice:
- Heavy physical issues like cancer and ALS
- Heavy mental issues like depression, schizophrenia and autism
- Heavy emotional issues like sexual abuse and starting IVF treatments
- Heavy decisions like ending a relationship or not, emigrating or not and changing careers
The absolute first thing I needed to learn was that while I can help people heal, I can help people confront truth and I can help people make better choices, but it's all up to them in the end. I can tell them the truth in 100 different ways - if they don't want to listen, they won't. I can offer free healing sessions, but if they don't want to take them, they won't.
So the number one rule for me is that I know I'm only responsible for what I do during sessions, I'm not responsible for the life of my clients, I'm not responsible for their choices, I'm not responsible for them.
This effectively means that I keep reminding myself that my clients keep their agency, their power, and I have none in their lives. That they need to make their own mistakes, carve their own path and live their own lives.
It doesn't mean I'm not human. I'm very sad to see people who I care about make mistakes. I'm very sad when consequences of choices are brutal and have lasting effects. I however, don't feel guilty. I don't second guess what I could have/should have said or done. I don't worry about how I should upgrade myself to do better in the future. I leave the responsibility where it belongs: with the client.
Step 2 in Self Care: Release
Sessions can become very emotional, very raw and very upsetting. It's never nice to see a person hurting and I would be made of stone of it didn't effect me. However, I can't allow it to effect me for longer then a few minutes. If it did, I couldn't do my job, I'd be crying next to you instead of helping you release it. I'd be upset from the previous session instead of giving you my best.
I always tell my clients who ask how I can release so easily that I'm actually a trash can without a bottom. That means I do feel the energy, I do feel the emotions, but I allow them to pass through me immediately. No bottom means I keep nothing in me and nothing that isn't mine sticks to me.
I also usually have 10 minutes between sessions, so if I do notice I'm a bit upset still or that I'm not back in my own power, not centered or not grounded, I do some extra release for myself. It's very rare that it's necessary, but I'm not yet a perfect trash can. When I don't have that time when a particularly heavy session runs late, I sometimes ask clients if I can have a minute or two to do that and of course allow their session to run a little later too. I also regularly shower after my last session when I'm back home if it was a particularly heavy one.
Step 3 in Self Care: Gratitude
I'm very grateful for the work I am able to do. I'm very grateful for the positive changes I'm helping into being in people's lives and in the world. I often remind myself that my work is fulfilling and making a difference. After sessions I'm often energetic, happy and balanced. Working with so much energy is right for me.
So yes, I do take time to thank my clients, in my mind, heart and spirit. Sometimes when my calendar is full and I'm a bit swamped, I spend time thanking each of the clients who have sessions with me booked. I know I'm going to be glad to see them, glad that they are making positive changes.
When my calendar is empty, I focus on being open for new things, sometimes that means new clients, sometimes that means new workshops, new brainstorms, new ideas, sometimes that means a day off, some work at home, some social time, some relaxing etc.
So no, the emotional side of my work isn't the hardest part by a mile. I don't struggle with it as my routine is pretty natural by now as I've been doing this work for 7 years now. I'm glad that I don't face burnout, which I've seen a lot of people go through. I'd be sure to write about what really is the hardest part of my work in an article soon. I'm sure it will be funny to some of you!
Don't hesitate to ask me questions about my work in the practice, on the blog, Facebook Fan Page or by e-mail. I'm always happy to talk.
Dear People,
Recently I discussed with a client that it's important to surround yourself with the right people. While she understood the importance of that, she wondered how she could determine who is a good fit and who isn't. I thought that was an excellent question and decided to write an article about it.
Usual Progression in friendships through life
What I usually see is that most young children tend to have friends who are available like classmates or neighboring kids. They want to spend some time and don't have the opportunity to meet a lot of different people. When they grow up - start to have hobbies, go to different schools - again availability is important, but so is having the same interests. A wider group of people becomes available and so we form bonds with people who interest us. Then life diverges as some get married or start working, have kids, get a divorce and just live their lives. We start becoming closer to some people, find and meet new people, and drift apart from others.
We end up with a mixed group of friends whom we know from different stages in our lives. Not everybody in your life is meant to stay in it forever. The common thread of the people that stay in our lives is usually that we can rely on them, that they feel the same as we do on core principles that matter to us and that we can resolve conflict with them. They bring positivity in our lives and we bring positivity to them.
What if I am not left with a group of friends that brings positivity?
Sometimes people try to keep friendships going long past their time. They keep trying to keep from drifting apart or keep things together even through nasty conflicts. Usually these bonds feel uneven (I invest more time/energy/effort) and painful (I'm regularly hurt by their actions). If that sounds like a bond you have in your life, ask yourself why and start actively letting go.
Some questions to answer for yourself:
- Is it because the only way for you to end a friendship is with a major bang?
- A big fight that means you don't want to speak to somebody ever again?
- Is it because you try to hang on to somebody, trying to be somebody you are not?
- Are you faking it?
- Do you think you have to keep on forgiving for the sake of a long friendship?
- Do you have expectations that are too much for the other person?
I wrote an earlier article on how to balance relationships and relationship expectations here. You can use it to help bring your relationships back to positivity or to see when it's really time to let somebody go.
What if I am not left with a group of friends?
Sometimes due to life circumstances like moving or illness we don't manage to keep our friendships alive. People drop off because your life has turned too difficult or you can't invest your time and energy. Now you have a huge gap where your social circle used to be. Don't worry - a lot of people have or have had this problem.
Firstly, don't try to immediately fit somebody into your life full time. While you have a gap and time to meet up many times, treat this new person as if you have a full friend circle. Meet up with them a few times with a reasonable time frame between those times to see what they are like.
Secondly, treat them like a new friend - don't immediately start asking for a lot of support or understanding. That can be very off putting while somebody is trying to get to know you. Let the friendship grow organically. Recognize that not all your needs will be met with just one person or within a short time frame.
Thirdly, keep on adding to your acquaintance circle by going out and doing interesting things and meeting new people. Start new hobbies, open yourself up to new experiences, go to meet up groups and just enjoy life. Gradually people will fall away and other people will bond deeper with you. I recommend this to people who have a full friend circle too - as new friendships are beautiful and old friendships sometimes end.
What if I feel I'm missing a certain type of friend?
We all have this ideal life in which we have the type of friend who has the same interest as us. Suppose you are passionate about cooking or spiritual practice or about any other interest, and it so happens that none of your friends are. That can make you feel lonely and isolated, as you can't share something you think is a major part of your life.
So, it's time to make room for a friend that shares your interests. The first question to ask is: is there room in your life? As long as your time, energy and effort goes into deadbeat friendships, probably not. So first, make room, even if it makes you feel even lonelier.
Secondly, if you have good friends, don't be shy about asking them to join you in your interest now and again. Sure, they might not be so passionate about cooking, but asking them to come sample some of your dishes or to took together one time is sure to go over well. Ask them to join you in your hobby or go to a lecture on something you are interested in and they might be. Just as sometimes you join them into an activity that doesn't truly appeal to you - your friends are bound to do the same.
Thirdly, no friend will come around to fit the exact hole you feel in your life. People are people, and nobody will fit your ideal. If you want to meet up people with the same interest, it's time to look for them. Don't look for a friend, look for interesting acquaintances and see who you bond deeper with. Go alone to those interesting lectures or group activities and just chat.
Why do I bond deeper with some people and not with others?
A lot of people will tell me that they like having friends who are radically different then they are - as it promotes growth. A different view point keeps things interesting. I agree, but what I see in bonding is that we have a type of underlying principles that are the same. That doesn't mean that the interests however are the same or that the people are the same.
A good rule of thumb is: if you can compromise or don't feel deeply hurt then it's not a principle for you and it's fine when your friend or partner feels and acts differently. If it is a principle for you, be sure to communicate clearly on how important it is to you and what it means to you and then see if the other person is willing and able to compromise. If not, please let each other go and don't wound each other.
Some examples:
You can be friends with somebody who has a radically different political beliefs. But only if neither of you view those beliefs as an integral part of yourself and both of you can agree on being tolerant about it. Politics are the interest, the principle is tolerance and neither feel the principle is politics. If this isn't true, pretty soon, you will find yourself in pointless discussions that hurt leading to an unsatisfying friendship.
You can be friends with somebody who prefers a different way of timing. One of you is always on time and the other is always late. This only works is both of you view being late not as a disrespectful thing but as a 'can happen sometimes' thing. Again, timing is not a principle for either of you, but flexibility is. If this isn't true, one person is going to feel disrespected and the other is going to feel pressured and unaccepted.
You are somebody who loves to plan outings, but your friend isn't. This is fine as long as the person who plans doesn't feel that it's a principle of love, care and attention, but just a fun activity. If it is, the friend needs to step up (and do their share) or step out.
Want to discuss friendships and relationships with me? Talk to me in the practice, leave a message on the blog or on the Facebook Fan Page.
Life isn't only compliments, sometimes you will receive criticism and complaints, so today I'm writing on how to deal with those in a healing manner. Criticism can be used to foster understanding and to improve ourselves.
Step 1: Don't take it personally
Whenever somebody criticizes us or whenever we receive a complaint, always give yourself a moment to breathe. Relax into the moment and realize that just because somebody thinks you did something wrong or you should have done something better, doesn't mean that you are a bad person, that you did something wrong or that you are worthless.
You often see representatives of companies forget this step and respond to complaints or criticism with anger, with personal attacks or dismissing the client. In this day and age, where you can easily spread the word of how you were treated in a myriad of ways, this is a really bad thing and it's very unprofessional. However, it's still a very human thing to do.
If you notice yourself reacting this way - please tell the other person that you are noticing that you are taking it personally when you shouldn't and that you need a little time out. Respond back when you are calmer. If you are in a business setting you can always tell the other person that you need some time to reflect on their feedback and that you will get back to them. Return to them when you are in a calmer frame of mind and don't forget to check why you took it so personally. Usually the reason we do so is because we heard that criticism very often in the past, we didn't succeed in solving the issue before, we don't want to be a certain way or we feel insecure. Working on that will help you take criticisms the way they are intended: as a way to understand each other better and to improve ourselves.
Resolution A: The criticism has merit in your eyes
When you reflected on if you think the criticism, you agreed it had merit. It might be something you are already working on, something that you wanted to work on but wasn't that high priority or something new that you understand needs to be addressed.
If you agree, then of course, it's easy to acknowledge that you feel that it's something you need to work on. Apologize for the situation, discuss tips on how to tackle the problem and do some research yourself on how to improve that part of your life or personality. You can ask the other person to keep holding you accountable and that it's not nagging when they talk about the issue again, as change doesn't usually happen within just one day. Thank them every time they bring it up.
Resolution B: The criticism has no merit in your eyes
Maybe you don't find the criticism to have merit, because you feel that somebody is overly sensitive, you feel that you can't be expected to do that or know that or you feel that your work is fine. While it can be challenging to deal with criticisms or complaints that you feel have no merit it's very important to do so. If you don't deal with it, your relationship with that person will deteriorate.
To find common ground explain your side of the story. Allow the other person to understand where you are coming from. Foster more understanding on both sides. Discuss options on compromise to make both parties happy. If you can't seem to find a compromise, maybe it's better to take your business elsewhere or to stop being friends. Stay committed to who you want to be.
Example: Always being late
So you don't have the best time keeping skills and you tend to be late and now somebody has criticized you about it. It might be your boss, co-worker, a business you frequent or your friends.
If you feel they are right and you do want to change, resolution A, might entail buying an extra alarm clock, discussing how to properly manage your time or finding ways to make sure your daily planner isn't overflowing.
If you feel that coming late shouldn't be an issue, resolution B, might mean that you discussing calling when you are more then 5 minutes late, meeting in places where the other person can conveniently wait, picking somebody up at home or asking the other person to arrive 10-15 minutes later as you don't mind waiting.
Example: Not caring about birthdays
So you don't really remember birthdays and you feel that you are too old to be bothered with them anyway. For you, birthdays are for kids, but one of your friends or family members has complained time and time again that they feel upset you don't call or do anything for their birthday.
If you feel they are right and you do want to change, resolution A, might entail putting a birthday calendar in your bathroom or toilet or using one on your phone. You might also decide to put in an extra alarm on your phone or buy a few birthday cards in advance so you can easily send them out.
If you feel that birthdays just shouldn't be an issue, resolution B, might mean that you just do something special for the one person who cares about it, that you explain that you are fine with bringing a gift if there is a celebration, but you won't be calling on the day itself or sending out a card. It might also mean that you decide that this friendship isn't working out.
Want to share a story of how being criticized helped you? Post a comment on the Blog, Facebook Fan Page or tell me in the practice.