Some of you might know my workshop concerning satisfying assertiveness, but since not all do, I will give a quick recap of some of the terms I use. In my workshop I do not focus on saying no or standing up for yourself but on being balanced and feeling satisfied with your interactions. I recognize three emotional/mental states in assertiveness balancing: lion (aggressively saying no, shouting down other people's needs and feeling too angry to think straight), ostrich (saying yes out of habit, only thinking of other and feeling guilty) and balanced (saying yes or no out of awareness of your own spirit, thinking of both the other and yourself and being happy in your life).
Today I write about interactions between lion and balanced state that I see happening more often lately. Must be because of all the political upset happening at the moment in Holland. This type of interaction also tries to reduce the amount of personal responsibility and personal power.
Using others to feel more assertive
You have to make a decision and you know not all people are going to like it. You don't want to be a loin and be angry and say no, because then people will respond back angrily as well. You can't be balanced yet and just say no and own your decision, so instead you try to find a way to make the decision legitimate. So, you ask around to see if there are others who feel the same or who will give you the same advice. This is a silly tactic, because for each point of view, we can find people who agree and disagree with us.
If you hear yourself say in conversations: X agrees with this too or Y told me they wouldn't do that either or Z feels I'm right as well, remember that it doesn't truly make your opinion or decision more legitimate. The person asking for your help or your opinion is interested in you and has nothing to do with X,Y or Z. Balancing your relationships means not adding in extra people, but clearly owning your opinions, needs and wants.
Another way of shifting responsibility is versions of the famous: "The computer did it". We all know that computers are programmed and only operated by humans. So the computer can't make any decisions or do anything - without a human being. Somebody somewhere has made a mistake, but instead we blame the computer so we don't have to be assertive and put the responsibility where it belongs. Sometimes people do not use the computer as a scapegoat, but a colleague, friend, the weather or some other nameless source.
Remember: you are taking the decisions in your life, so claiming somebody else told you to do something, doesn't mean you can shift the blame to them. People will still be angry at you, the person who made the decision.
Fibbing instead of being assertive
The little white lie, the fib or even plain lying is also a way to escape being truly assertive and owning up to your opinions or decisions. Often people think this way is best as no feelings are being hurt, but neither is a true connection being made. If somebody asks you if you want to come to their party, and you don't want too, but you tell them that date you just can't make it, what do you do when they switch it for you? What if you lied about how much you enjoyed the food and they bring it again next time believing it to be your favorite?
So if you are tempted to duck responsibility and not be assertive, be aware that you won't make a true connection. You can always be assertive in a tactful, respectful way that is true to your feelings. All it takes is some practice, but at least people will know the real you.
Do you recognize these behaviors in yourself? Share them on the blog, facebook fan page or e-mail me about them.
A question I've been asked several times is if I believe in Past Lives and if I do, if I work with Past Lives. I must admit that my idea's about Past Lives have changed before and might change again, so I'll first talk about my own journey with Past Lives and afterwards will answer questions of clients.
My Past Life Journey
I was raised catholic and didn't really believe in Past Lives at all. After you died, you are meant to go to Heaven. Sometimes of course I would see Spirits or Souls and I would feel like those where either able to return from Heaven to give advice or to resolve issues or those that didn't find peace yet and needed help to get to Heaven. I never believed much in Hell. After all, God is all forgiving.
During these years I'd have strong dreams in which I was never myself. I would call them my movie dreams, as they were usually about exciting situations. I would be a man, woman and child and they would be in very different time periods. I remember waking up with a strong ache in my shoulder after dreaming I was watching a man get pierced by a crossbow bolt, falling off his horse and wondering if my wife and children would be alright without me. I also had strong reactions to places where I'd never been before, but still felt very much at home in.
I only started to shift a bit in my ideas when I went abroad and met somebody. We had an instant connection. Could finish each others sentences, felt each others emotions very keenly and I was just swamped with a constant feeling of knowing. I cautiously started on the road towards accepting that there might be past lives and that I might meet souls again.
Another notable moment was when I reconnected with another soul. She was older then me, but we always felt she was my 'adoptive child'. It was funny because when we talked about that, outsiders would think I was the child and she was my mom, because of our obvious age difference int his life. I mentioned to her that I've had flashes of a past life in which I was aiding a young Jewish woman in WW2. Sadly, the young woman got sick and died. I was pretty sure that this was a Dutch life. She was shocked to the core - as she had a notebook in which she had written that she felt she had been a young Jewish girl in WW2. She was fascinated by Anne Frank and although she wasn't Dutch she did end up living in Holland due to all kinds of circumstances.
Past Lives for me now
I did some exploring of course of Past Lives and people in them that were meaningful for me. It did illuminate many connections in my current life. I could understand why some interactions felt different then I was expecting or why certain blockages came up. I gained a deeper understanding of myself. Of course, I still have some work to do, so I will continue to meditate on them.
Past Lives in the practice
Past lives usually either come up because somebody is interested or because it affects the issue they are in the practice for. If it comes up as connected to the issue they want to heal and/or get advice on, I will often discuss the Past Life in question and it's current effect.
When people are just interested, usually I ask them what type of Reading they are looking for. Most often my Past Life Reading is centered on Karma. What did you bring into this life, that can be healed now or what issues are connected to Past lives. I usually combine this type of Reading with some healing.
Sometimes however, people want to know who in their current live is a Past Life connection. I often tell them they do not need a Reading for that! Past life connections will feel curiously stronger then they should be, you will feel more at home with them and you might recognize that the interactions remind you of a different relationship than you are having in this life (parent-child while you are friends etc.). However, it can improve relationships if you get the old stuff 'out of the way'.
If you are interested in Past Lives, let me know on the blog, the Facebook Fan Page or e-mail me about it!
Things have been a little hectic around here, but this morning I have the time to sit down and do a Reading. The best Readings are sometimes done in a hurry (5 minutes or less), but I like to burn some incense and relax when I do a Reading for myself.
I've chosen to work with the "Helende Lotus Kaarten" or Healing Lotus Cards by Yvonne & Serrie Nieuwhoff - van Berkel. I've used them in many weekly Readings before but then took a break from this deck. I bought it second hand at a flea market so I'm not even sure if it has all the cards. For my Reading today I chosen to the theme Nurturing as it fits with the cold weather here!
How do I nurture the body in my practice and what can I do to improve nurture? (my own/my clients/improvement): Heart Chakra: Forgiveness, Third Eye Chakra: Darkness, Third Eye Chakra: Color
Well, I can see how I nurture my own body through forgiveness in the practice. I work a lot with my heart Chakra when I do healing work to stay open to my clients, to give nurturing healing energy and to be present. Sometimes I help clients with issues I have worked through or that I then will see within myself. Helping somebody else can also help yourself, because what you are able to forgive in another person is what you will start to forgive in yourself.
I can see how I nurture the bodies of clients through my Third Eye Chakra. Often people do not know what root causes have got them in such trouble. They medicate until that is no longer an option and then search for alternatives. When I see blockages I often see them as dark spots or feel them as dark sticky energy. This is also the main reason I call myself a Psychic Healer, because without those insights and capabilities it would be a lot harder to heal people.
Improvement through Third Eye Chakra Color is very interesting to me. I bought some lamps that can shine different colors (LivingColors from Philips). So far I have only used them at home for myself, but I was planning on using them in sessions. I also work with crystals sometimes which are also very colorful. I will definitely research more around and try out some new things.
How do I nurture the heart in my practice and what can I do to improve nurture? (my own/my clients/improvement): Third Eye Chakra: Trust, Heart Chakra: Affinity, Throat Chakra: Harmony & Sound.
There is no better way to nurture one's heart then with trust. I do trust that what I'm told will happen and what I see and hear it true. It does nurture my heart that I always know how to hit the right note with clients. Often they tell me that I'm saying what they are thinking or using words that they use themselves too. Most strikingly was recently when I used a Flemish word that I didn't even know, but was perfect for my client.
So, I can see how many clients feel that I have affinity with them and know what they are experiencing and what they need. Affinity is very important energy wise to make sure that you vibrate in tune with each other and get the best results. I'm very pleased to see it here.
As for improving heart nurturing in the practice I drew two cards (stuck together) which were both 5th Chakra. I do work with sound sometimes, but not as much as I would like. Today I will, because somebody booked a massage and sounds will help well being. I usually do not use sounds in the practice as it can distract from what I'm saying or asking during sessions. Most of the healing music I have at the practice has vocals, but I recently bought some more relaxing CD's, so I will definitely look into that in the next couple of sessions. I also am glad for the singing bowl I have and use it sometimes. Time to create more harmony!
How do I nurture the mind in my practice and what can I do to improve nurture? (my own/my clients/improvement): Throat Chakra: Music, Third Eye Chakra: Vision, Crown Chakra: Awareness
I can see how I nurture my mind with Music. At the moment I have already listened to music for an hour or so. I love listening to relaxing music and finding peace and harmony. I can have quite a bit of brain storming and nervous energy in my mind if I'm not mindful. So, I choose to meditate and listen to music regularly to nurture my mind in healthier ways.
My Psychic Vision does help many clients to nurture their minds. Sometimes because I speak of things in ways that they haven't considered yet, sometimes because I give voice to lingering doubts or other thoughts they weren't aware of yet, sometimes because I confirm things that they know but haven't used yet. Clients often continue on the road to deeper self discovery after being at my practice. Many have told me that they started workshops or courses or started other nurturing activities. I'm always very happy when people nurture themselves.
For improvement it's important that I continue with the importance of self awareness. Self Awareness has great significance to leading a happy vibrant life. Without it, we don't know where to build, where to release or where to go. Many of my workshops have self awareness components, because I find it so important. I will definitely write some more articles about this and revise some of my workshops.
How do I nurture Spirit in my practice and what can I do to improve nurture? (my own/my clients/improvement):Third Eye Chakra: Memory, Heart Chakra: Self Acceptance, Solar Plexus Chakra: Warmth
Memory in conjunction with the Third Eye Chakra makes me think of Past Lives and Karma. I have been working with that extensively for myself, but I know there are still some blockages there. It's rare to have past lives intrude upon the present one in such a degree that it causes massive blocks. Still I know more positive benefit can be had by working on the past.
For clients, I do recommend to nurture your Spirit with self acceptance. That it's ok to walk at your own pace. That you are always where you need to be. That the road you are taking is the one that is meant to be. Self Acceptance is a huge part of the work I do with clients. Often they are surprised at out dated belief systems or self destructive behavior that comes from not accepting yourself. I am not, as in this western world, many are told to push harder and farther and to ignore their own boundaries. Healing this mindset of course harkens back towards the Awareness.
Warmth is something that had me smile a bit, as I always make sure the practice is warm. It's not nice to lay on the table or talk and feel cold. It's important to be comfortable when healing. Also, many of my clients have talked about the fact that they feel I am a warm person. This is a very beautiful compliment to me.
Well, many things to try in the coming weeks. If you are interested in trying out music, sounds or color within your session, please let me know!
Recently I have had a few clients who have asked me this question so I thought I'd write it down so I can refer clients to this explanation in the future.
Why do I need to heal before I can make this decision?
Very regularly I have clients in the practice who have been struggling with a (major) decision. Some of those are decisions are choices that we might experience as well (changes in career, changes in relationship status, changes in health care) and others might be choices we will never encounter.
Often they want me to help them make the decision and if it's a matter of more information I will gladly give that, but if it's a matter of healing, I will always recommend healing. The more we struggle with a choice, the likelier it is that something is blocking us. Once the blockage is healed, we can take an informed decision that is in tune with ourselves. True healing brings choice.
Here are some examples:
Example 1: Trauma is directly blocking one true decision
Buying a car can be a major expense for your household so buying a car that suits your needs is paramount. Most of the time people will have a clear idea of a budget, go for a few test drives and then buy the car they feel is the best choice.
However, if you have had a negative experience concerning cars like a serious accident, the buying of a car can become much more difficult. You might not feel comfortable in any car you test drive. You might start finding reasons why a car is not so necessary or why none of the cars are ever good enough. In the end you will spend a lot of time concerning this decision and will probably end up not liking any choice you make (waiting, buying or not buying), because none are satisfactory. This is a huge clue that healing is necessary.
When trauma is directly blocking a decision most people will recognize the extreme amount of energy the decision takes and will often tell me the reason (trauma) as they are aware of it themselves. Usually one session to release the trauma is enough to free the energy and open the road to that true decision.
Example 2: Prolonged trauma is causing extreme doubt concerning a major decision
We are often told how important it is to make the right decision if it's a major one that has an impact on our lives for years to come. I know I will tell my kids how important it is to choose freely and adapt their choices when necessary instead of placing the emphasis making on the right choice. The right choice changes all the time due to circumstances and growth within ourselves.
The major decision that comes up often with clients is concerning relationships. Usually the relationship is in trouble (sometimes for years) and they want to know if they should stay or go. Often the reason they have not left is because there are still romantic feelings, there are kids or the relationship is not that bad, but also not that good. When none of the decisions (stay, leave, wait) are satisfactory I always recommend healing.
Many people have tried to save their relationships by stopping behavior that they need to feel good, by making themselves smaller or by doing things that are so far out of their comfort zone that it saps their strength and energy. When you have lost yourself like that, you can not make a decision that is right. It's absolutely impossible, because you have ceased to be the whole you.
Usually I recommend at least 3-5 session to return towards balance within yourself. During this time, often the relationship changes as well. Relationships are bonds based on two people, so when one changes, the other in necessity has to change as well. In some cases, the changes within one partner were enough to save the relationship without any further work, in other cases some work together or for the other partner was needed and in some cases the only right and healthy choice was leaving.
Example 3: Prolonged trauma is causing extreme doubt concerning all decisions
Very rarely I have a client with a long history of abuse or multiple traumas. When I do, it's always a long term work together, as many aspects of their lives are affected. One of those aspects is often the inability to make decisions. When we are very traumatized we lose sight of who we are and since that is necessary to make true decisions progress in life is often blocked.
I usually start by healing root/core issues concerning the abuse and starting the road to small decisions like what type of food do I like, what type of hobbies would I like to do gradually moving up to bigger decisions.
Usually this type of work is a long commitment, because decade long abuse can't be undone within a few sessions. It's extremely helpful when there is a strong support network (friends and family) and a professional healing network. If those are not available I will work with clients to start the road towards those networks.